Sunday, October 12, 2008

Speech & Life

Disclaimer: I am NOT a poet, and I'm not pretending to be. I suck at poetry. That said, here's a poem I wrote. Sorry about the quality, lol.

trapped in a cocoon of angst and regrets
everything i reach for passes 'fore i can grasp it

i watch as my ideas become real
though it isn't i that drew them

life plays out behind my eyes
and clouds over what my true breath is like

where is my fix? is there a fix?
i hope without hope but yearn nontheless

i want to be me but fear holds me back
irrational fear that runs beside normalcy

A New Post...Finally

I really wish I posted to this blog more often. It really is meditative to write about how I feel and deal with, I just tend to put if off a lot.

Everything's been decently well lately, except I'm becoming increasingly unhappy for a number of reasons. It's probably due to the birth control I'm on, but who knows. I am happy to have decided to transfer schools and study meteorology instead of political science. Poli.Sci. is good and all, but I want to be able to better apply my knowledge to something scientific. I think this will be a change for the better.

As soon as fall break is over, I'm going to contact my school's speech and hearing center. I think it's time I find out if I can do something about my impediment or not. I've been putting if off because I want to pretend it doesn't exist, but it's very real. I'll put up a new post as soon as I find anything out. I think I'm actually more nervous that if there is a program I could be a part of the treatment wouldn't work, than actually going into the program to begin with.

I'm also very proud of myself for a big step I took lately. I'm starting a vegetarian student organization on campus, which means putting myself in front of people and working on my leadership skills. The first meeting went extremely well. Proof that even with a speech impediment, one can still be in charge.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Listening to myself

I used to cringe whenever I'd hear myself on a tape or in a video. I've managed to avoid video cameras and recorders alike for years. When I was in the 8th grade, myself and a partner (who was less than happy to be forced to work with someone who couldn't talk properly, and made it widely known) had to participate in a Spanish project where we made a weather forecast in Spanish, and it was to be recorded by our teacher. I remember sitting with my back to the television while the class was watching all the various group's takes.

Last night, my roommate followed me around the room with her video camera as I was cleaning. Although I knew it was likely that she would upload the videos to Facebook, I still spoke to her while she recorded. When I watched the videos she had taken, I was surprised to learn that I didn't cringe while hearing myself talk. I also realized that my speech impediment isn't quite as bad as I always imagine it is, although there were a few times when even I had trouble understanding myself.

I think, using recording and video, could aid people with speech impediments in improving the way we talk. By watching these videos of myself, I found out where a lot of my problems are, and what specific words I should work on.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

How I Deal With It

I received a comment on my post Maybe the best isn't always the best? and wanted to respond to it. Here's the comment:
I know exactly the feeling you're talking about.

I have pretty much the same problem.

How do you deal with the psychological impact? I have tried psychotherapy but that was pretty useless.
I've been dealing with the stress and psychological impact myself since I was little. I've never been to a therapist (although, since my school offers therapy for free, I've been considering trying it), and my surprisingly optimistic moods is the result of a combination of methods I use.

That's not to say I'm always happy, because I most certainly am not, but I've realized that being happy is worth the effort. Here's a few methods I use to boost my mood, not stress out when I have to do something like present information in front of a group of people, and calm my mind overall:
  • Meditation. Meditation has helped me, and is probably the most important thing I've ever done for the psychological impact growing up with a speech impediment has caused me. It's incredibly easy to do. Find a quiet place to sit, and count your breaths. Or use any other method of meditation. More Info
  • A supportive group of family and friends. This is pretty obvious. You need someone to talk to. I used to have a problem with bringing up issues I was having with people I was close to because I was embarrassed, but you'll never be able to be happy if you have a lot of internal issues that you're keeping entirely to yourself.
  • An outlet. Find something that makes you happy. Painting, writing, sports, whatever. Be passionate about it. Then, if you're having a particularly bad day, you'll have something to make you happy.
  • Exercise and athletics. I have never been an athletic person. I always hated P.E., never participated in sports, but I changed a bit once I got to college. I joined the fencing club, became more athletic, and work out every day. My moods have improved, I'm happier, and I have nearly no stress.
  • Religion. This won't apply to everyone. I think my Buddhist belief in impermanence has really helped me a lot to see that trivial insults and daily problems don't matter, because it won't last forever. I'm not an expert on other religions, such as Hinduism or Christianity, but a lot of people seem to pull a lot of faith from their respective religions.
That's all the advice I can give for now. If anyone has any more tips, please post them in the comments.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Socially Inept

I feel so socially inept sometimes. It's like when I'm around people, any little bit of social skills I might have once had completely disappear. It's rather disappointing, especially since I want to meet new people. Most of the problem is that I simply have no clue as to how to start or continue a conversation. I've read a large bit of self-help essays on the web about how to gain better social skills, and they haven't really helped me all that much. A part of me feels that it's due to the fear of not being taken seriously due to the way I talk, but I also think it may be because I shut myself off in middle school, when I decided to become a loner.

Anyone have any tips they'd like to share?

Monday, March 24, 2008

Maybe the best isn't always the best?

It's been a long time since I've last posted, but I really didn't feel like I could write unique posts every week. But I'm going to try something a little different. I want to continue writing about my experiences (because it gives me a place to vent or rethink things that have happened), but I want to do two new things. I believe I asked this before, but if anyone has their own story to share, please email me at karmalily [at] gmail [dot] com. I won't open attachments, so post your story in the email rather than in a MS Word document, and I'll post it here on What Did You Say?. The other new addition is going to be more information regarding speech impediments in general. I'm not going to pound everyone with a lot of scientific information, but a little knowledge is important.

Anyway, since that's all out of the way, onto the post. Even though I'm getting a little braver at speaking in front of crowds/classes, I still get nervous about it. In one of my classes today, our professor returned the last exams we had taken. Instead of him going over the answers as usual, the person who received the highest score was made to stand in front of the class and go through the answers, as well as another student or two reading their essay questions to the class.

As soon as he said this would be a new policy in the class, I quietly freaked out inside. Not cool. Of course, every time I have little freak-out sessions in my head over stuff involving my anxiety about public speaking, I get mad at myself, so that didn't make me feel any better.

The thing that really disturbed me was that one of my first thoughts was that I didn't want the highest grade in the class next time. I felt like I'd rather come in no more than second best rather than have people stare at me (or have me thinking they're staring at me).

That's a serious problem. I'll never succeed in life with this kind of thinking. I know I need to work on coming to terms with the way I speak, and I really, really want to, but whenever I think I'm finally getting over it I end up like this.