Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Loneliness

August marked my transition to a new school. I had spent two previous years studying political science at a different university, but after realizing that just wasn't the life for me, I transferred in order to study a science that has interested me since the second grade - meteorology. Academically, I am much happier. But socially...

The first semester at my previous school was terrible. Before I went, I had this idea in my head that I wouldn't make the same anti-social mistakes in college as I had in high school. It would be easy to make friends and become involved in the campus community if I just acted like I was completely okay with my speech impediment. But it wasn't like that at all.

I didn't make friends with anyone until near the end of the first semester. I wasn't even friends with my roommate. I spent the majority of my time in my room watching movies on my laptop. I was reluctant to go out and do anything for fear of feeling even more lonely (eating by oneself can be quite depressing). I ended up becoming roommates with the girl I befriended toward the end of that semester, and as a result made a few more friends who lived on the floor I'd moved to.

The second year at that school was a little better. I lived with the girl who had lived across the hall from me the second semester, and we decided to share a room our sophomore year. It was a pretty good year for me socially - I was a member of numerous clubs, had people to hang out with, and didn't feel the loneliness I had previously.

Now I'm at a new school, and I'm going through all that again. I really honestly thought it wouldn't be that bad this time around. I'm only an hour away from my old school, and already knew people here. But I'm so incredibly lonely despite that.

It really saddens me to say that my speech impediment holds me back as much as it does. I'm 22 and have been dealing with it my whole life. I really want to have the courage to live as though I've come to terms with it. However, I'm starting to think that it's just not going to happen. Not being able to socialize with people the way I would like to makes me absolutely miserable. All I want is to be able to go up to a stranger and start a conversation without this disability playing such a defining role.

I'm worried that my entire life will end up like my college years. :(